Stop asking your kids what they WANT!

Over the holidays we were with more extended family than usual and I noticed how often my kids were asked what they wanted by everyone and their mother (literally). “What do you want for Christmas?” “What do you want to eat?” “Don’t you want to have dessert?” On the surface there is nothing wrong with these questions. They are information seeking and even solid attempts to be thoughtful or accommodating. Here are the issues I see from the perspective of a Child-Centered Play Therapist:

1. Kids often don’t have a choice in the matter and

2. kids don’t know what they want! 

Some kids will rattle off a list of Christmas wants. If they are like my kids, they have rehearsed that spiel since Halloween! The reality is that most questions put them in their heads and kids live in their hearts. If you are lucky enough to get more than “I don’t know”, then you are going to get a response that was formed by an emotion rather than a rational thought developed through logic and reason. Again, kids aren’t rational nor reasonable. They do not yet have cognitive abilities to do that until closer to 13 years old. What they want for Christmas is going to be what excites them or what promises to bring them joy. That’s why kids are unlikely to say they need new socks–they just aren’t emotionally connected to socks. Ok, maybe for the very first wear out of the package. Ahh, bliss! The other questions will garner a similar emotional response. They want to eat what is familiar because that makes them feel safe (or conversely they avoid something new because they are fearful of the unknown). They want dessert because it excites them. 

Now that we understand that the answer we get from kids is an emotional one, we can better appreciate that our words matter. We need to speak the emotionally aware language. Many power struggles between you and your child can likely be traced back to them not having a choice or too many choices. Let’s take “what do you want to eat?” as an example: 

Instead of: “What do you want to eat?”

You can say: “For lunch, you can choose a peanut butter and banana sandwich or you can choose a turkey and cheese sandwich. Which do you choose?”

As a warm-blooded American, I love a plethora of options, but the reality is that kids are easily overwhelmed by the vast open-endedness of possibilities. Narrowing their options down to two equally desirable options makes the decision more…well, digestible! They are less likely to be overwhelmed by their emotions surrounding the decision. The other benefits of this are that you avoid power struggles and support positive self-esteem development. As they learn to practice making decisions you are fostering independence. 

TIPS FOR SUCCESS:

1. Small choices for smaller kids. Big choices for bigger kids. As the stakes get higher, let your bigger kids have ownership of bigger decisions. 

2. “Choose, choose, choose!” It might seem overstated, but there is benefit to saying choose all three times in offering the choice. This helps reinforce that they are in charge of having and making the choice.

3. Neutral and mutual. The choices need to be neutral to the child and mutually acceptable to you and the child. This tool loses its magic if one choice is obviously what the child prefers and the other choice is obviously what the parent prefers. Do not give your child options that you are not comfortable with.

I am putting together a program for frustrated and overwhelmed parents just like you who are struggling to support anxious, aggressive and emotionally reactive kids. If you want to be notified as soon as that tool is available, sign up for the wait list. You won't want to miss it!